personally romantic

I love it when God romances our hearts. You know, when something randomly unexpected happens and you cant help but stop for a second and wonder "Wait a second, was that God?!" and sure enough, it was. It always is, but we seem to always have to question it and most of the time we end up chalking it up for a coincidence. Whatever you want to call it, that sort of thing happened to me over a coffee date with an old friend/teammate from college on Friday afternoon.

I received a message on my phone early last week that simply read "we should probably get together soon". I hadnt seen this friend since I moved away in 2009 and I couldnt agree with him more. This catch up date was long over-due, so of course I responded with an immediate "yes".

 It was so refreshing and familiar to sit there on campus, on the same stomping grounds that we dragged ourself through for practice, class, and study hall day-in and day-out for so many years and catch up about all that's new/exciting in our lives.  It made me thankful for so many things: for memories, for friendship, for reconnections, and for growing up. Time had done well for us both.  We were figuring out this crazy thing called life and it showed in our faces. You can't deny the happiness that exudes from a life that's fulfilled.

I found myself quickly opening up to him about why I was back in Portland and what brought me back home. I expected that these questions would come up, since I had urgently jetted for California within days after taking my last final in college three years ago. I couldn't help but feel like I owed him an explanation, although I know his kind heart would argue against that. I don't even remember saying good-bye to this particular friend when I left, or many friends for that matter. I just took off. Anyway, as I was catching him up on what had been going on in my heart and life over the past few years, something hit me hard. So hard that I almost lost my train of thought for a moment.  This is what I'm talking about when I say God personally romanced me that day.  He did it in a BIG way; He did it by revealing an answered prayer.

I moved back to Portland at the end of October after a 2 1/2 year stint in the SF Bay Area. Life in California was fun and I learned and grew up a lot, but it wasn't the "home" that my heart was missing so badly. I remember one particular night last Spring that I couldn't hold it in any longer.  I got down on my knees in my bedroom and began pouring my heart out before the Lord.  I was tired. Work and life had completely worn me out and I didn't like the way my life looked anymore. I wanted a deeper relationship with friends, family and with Him. I was so ready for change in every category of my life and that was exactly what I was asking for. It didn't matter to me how it was going to look - whatever doors God opened, I was ready to immediately respond with a "Yes, Lord" and walk through them. 

 So when one of my good friends from Portland came to visit me this past summer, she could tell that something was up with me. I wasn't my usual smiley, enthusiastic self. After some probing, prodding and maybe a glass of wine or two, I ended up opening my heart up to her about how I was praying for absolute change in every category of my life and how I was just unhappy - plain and simple. She humored me for a moment by asking me to think back to the time in my life when I was truly happy, and all I could picture was my life in Portland. I had no other response for her. It sounds kinda cheesy, but thats exactly how I remember it happening.  I wrestled with God about the idea for a few months, but all the while I knew that it was going to happen.  I was being called back home and God was beginning to show me why.  It was time to go back to school. 

So on October 29th, I packed up my possessions in a Budget truck, gave my car to my brother, picked up my partner-in-crime/roommate from college/good friend Katy from the airport (in the Budget truck - she was so embarrassed, but I loved it haha) and made our way through 13 hours of maneuvering this stupidly large truck to Portland. I was coming home.

Fast forward six months and here I am: gearing up to start my graduate studies Multnomah Seminary in the fall and head over heals in love with my life. I can confidently tell you today that my cry out to God for change in every avenue of my life has been answered over this past year. It happened subtly and slowly.  So much so that I didnt fully realize it until now. That's the romantic side of God for ya.  He could have made it clear as day to me as this prayer was being answered; as each aspect of my life was being gorgeously transformed. He could have brought it to my attention each time I met a new and amazing friend this year, or each time an old friendship was rekindled, or when I met my half-sister and her family for the first time or when I first fell in love with my awesome church out here. I could go on and on about the various ways that He could have revealed how He was answering this prayer this year. But no. God stood in the background through all of this, knowing that it would be on this random coffee date that what He had done in and through me would hit my heart in package form, like a ton of bricks, as His answer to my prayer. What a romantic God.:)

 It would be a big fat lie if I told you this year was all bubblegum, cotton candy and gumdrops. Haha, not at all. It was hard a lot of the time and some really painful things happened this year. Change has been hard, but it has also been soooo beautiful. This year has been full of refinement, pushback and anxiety. It has also been filled with more beauty, love and more of God than I ever thought possible and it's only getting better every day. 

 I have a lot of friends who are in tough chapters of life or are going through some really difficult changes right now. If you can relate, it is my prayer that this post can encourage you to keep pressing forward. Keep going against the grain and taking one step at a time in the direction you feel God leading. Doors will either slam open or shut; just respond accordingly. From my experience, I've found that God will show you if you're off, will honor your heart of obedience, and will help you to redirect your path. Confide in trusted friends and share your heart openly from time to time. Change may not happen over night, but it does happen one day at a time. It was a year before I saw the full-blown answer to my prayer for change. We serve an unbelievably faithful God who will not let us fail.  Many people thought (and some even openly told me) that I was stupid for up and quitting my so-called "dream job" in sunny California to move back to dreary Portland to go to bible college. That's fine, it doesn't matter.  What matters is His plan for me and not much else.  Please, please do not misunderstand me - I am by no means an expert on what moves to make to find happiness and do NOT want to sound that way at all. But I do know that God will continue to guide you as you persevere, trust and expect. That I can promise. How do I know? Because God says so:

Proverbs 3:5-6 (the message translation)
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure everything out on your own.  Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.

My mantra for this past year, and for years to come.

XOXO

Kathryn